Would You Give Up a First-Class Upgrade for Your Partner?

Imagine this: you’ve been randomly selected for an upgrade on a long-haul flight. It’s a redeye, so you’re counting on getting some much-needed sleep. But there’s a catch — you’re traveling with your significant other, and they weren’t upgraded.

Do you still take it? Do you give it to them? Do you turn it down altogether?

It’s a more divisive question than you might think. While it’s pretty rare for just one party to get upgraded if both are booked under the same reservation, there are scenarios where this kind of dilemma can arise. And when it does, things can get awkward. As it turns out, you can tell a lot about a relationship based on where someone chooses to sit — or not sit — when an upgrade is on the line.

A few months ago, u/Tight_Couture344 posed the question to r/delta: “Couples: what’s your approach if one gets an upgrade but the other doesn’t? Do you switch mid-flight? Trade off every time? Does the spouse with high status always take it? Or maybe one of you just doesn’t care as much and opts out?”

Among the top responses: “I always give my wife the better seat. I love her and would do anything for her. If I can make her more comfortable, I will. She’s an angel, and I would give more if I had it.” (To which another user clapped back, “Blink twice if your wife is making you post this.”)

There’s an underlying assumption there, which is that of course the man should give up his upgrade for the woman. And, to be fair, the lion’s share of responders agreed. That said, while it’s a sweet sentiment — and this might be a hot take — I don’t think it should automatically fall on the guy to sacrifice his comfort every time.

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Speaking personally, my partner and I travel separately often enough that I have airline status and he does not. I admittedly haven’t found myself in this exact predicament, but it’s not all that far-fetched either. I can see how the answer could get complicated, namely because my boyfriend is 6’3″, nearly a foot taller than I am. I fit relatively comfortably in economy; he, decidedly, does not. His discomfort tends to become my discomfort. So if the opportunity arose, I’d probably think pretty seriously about letting him have it. Plus, odds are I’ll have more chances for upgrades down the line.

That sounds straightforward enough: the man is tall! He deserves the better seat! Didn’t you just say the upgrade shouldn’t automatically go to the woman? Give him the upgrade! But, like the aforementioned Redditors, my boyfriend is an infuriatingly thoughtful person who would absolutely prioritize my wellbeing over his own, and happily bash his knees into the seatback for six hours if it meant I was more comfortable — or, more likely, just to avoid hearing me complain. (Case in point: for the sake of responsible reporting, I asked him. He replied, “I would give it to you, and fuck no, we wouldn’t turn it down.”)

If you find yourself in a similar standoff, the first thing to consider is the occasion, or the reason for the trip. Is it your SO’s birthday? Give them the upgrade. Celebrating a promotion? Take it, you earned it. Anniversary? Settle it with Rock, Paper, Scissors, and send the loser a mid-flight drink (but spare them the gloating text). First vacation together? Turn it down and sit together.

The length of the flight also matters. A quick three-hour hop to Tampa to visit family? Who cares? Since my boyfriend doesn’t fly as often as I do, I’d let him have it. On a long-haul flight, if your partner is a nervous flyer, you might want to hand it over then too, the hope being that if you’re the nervous flyer, they’d extend the same courtesy to you.

One important note: technically, swapping seats between cabins and/or classes isn’t allowed, even if it’s not always enforced. It never hurts to ask a flight attendant first. But out of respect for the rules, I definitely would not recommend bouncing back and forth during the flight. It’s disruptive and more likely to draw the wrong kind of attention. Besides, if neither of you can bring yourselves to cede the upgrade to the other, the real conversation you need to have isn’t about the seat at all.